It Hurts To Love You

I think one of the hardest concepts my mind tries countless times to wrap itself around, is how a person can love someone while at the same time treat them in a manner that appears as if they don’t think very much of them at all. It’s funny, when you think back on the days of grade school, when we were only  just kids. Even then we had the concept ingrained in our minds that if someone of the opposite sex was mean or “picked on” us, that it indicated they actually liked you… as in more than just a friend. We at first fight this idea. Logically, it made no sense to us. Because really, why if the person liked me, would they want to do or say anything to make me believe otherwise? Seems a bit counterproductive. Then when we grow up a bit, we begin to recognize the psychology in it all. We can narrow it all down to fear in some way, shape, or form. If a 12 year old boy doesn’t want a girl to know he likes her, it’s because he’s scared of what he feels because A, he doesn’t understand it. B, he doesn’t want his friends to make fun of him. Or, C. He’s scared to find out that she may not feel the same way. These don’t change all that much even as we get older, they just become a little more complicated and messy. And by a little, I mean a lot more. I try all the time to understand how my gut somehow believes that he cares about me more than any other girl, while at the same time can act as if I mean nothing in the world to him. I really don’t think any amount of psychology can help when it comes to him, not even from a professional standpoint. His issues run deeper than most, and I’ve come to the realization that you simply can’t help people that won’t do anything to help themselves. Unfortunately, I have a difficult time living by that. Because I have an impossible time accepting that nothing can be done to change a situation. I see the potential, I picture the reality, and I see how simple it all could be… and suddenly, I begin to feel the most frustration and angst that I have ever felt in my life. People love to dig themselves into holes, take the scenic route on issues that should be dealt with head on, and burn bridges that should have been aggressively protected. And they love to waste time, lots and lots of time. I find myself struck with a sensation of pure terror every time I remember how little of it we have. And that feeling is what motivates me not to waste a single moment of it. But sadly, I do. There are plenty of other productive and worthwhile experiences I could take part in, but I’d say I probably only put in about 30/40 percent worth of effort to partake in them. I feel guilty about this all the time, even sick. But even more than that, the one thing I hate wasting more than anything else, and never would if given the chance, would be making the most out of the time with the person I love. Every body has different ideas of what happiness is, and what it will take to achieve it. I know happiness is a condition and not a destination, which many confuse it for. Those people also full heartedly believe that one specific thing will get them there. I know better, but am still inclined to believe that having that one person by your side can give you all the strength and ability to face anything else life throws your way. But I just can’t seem to let the idea of him die; the fantasies or the realities. Because I know he can be more than  just a day dream. And I honestly don’t believe I would still feel the way I do after all this time if something inside of me didn’t think that was true. Five years of loving someone without anything in return, including mutual affection, is a long time. It’s a dark and lonely path that only becomes lighter during the far and few times he gives me hope. Unfortunately that hope always ends up being false… so why my rationale hasn’t overthrown my heart yet, I really don’t know. But a part of me deep down believes it’s because of that feeling I mentioned. The doubt is always there, and that’s because my trust in him is wearing thinner and thinner. It hurts to love him, but I go on doing it anyway.

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This Is Where I Begin

926b184180ac4dec751af577b62a48a1So here’s my problem. I can never just simply start something. Well, most things. There is one exception to that truth, but that’s a whole other story entirely. The thing is, I just can’t seem to get over this ridiculous notion that my mind created a long time ago which states that unless I’m positive that whatever it is I’m choosing to produce is absolutely flawless, that I can’t even consider beginning it until it is. But when you think about, that kind of thinking is pure lunacy. I mean, what is “perfect”, anyway? I’ve written stuff before that I thought at the time was alright, but not extraordinary. Then after a years time or so I come across it again after having forgotten all about it, and suddenly it reads so much bigger than before, almost as if it’s not your writing at all. I think sometimes people like me  who have the tendency to be overly critically of themselves have to take a step away from their work to truly see the greatness in it. I guess that can be said for anybody with a passion for something. We expect more from ourselves when it comes to the things we desire most. But at what point do we have to stop waiting for the time to be right, or for our words to be perfect? Perfection is not universally defined. What’s meaningless to one mind might be clarity to another, just what they needed to  hear; it’s all relative. I was scared to start this blog because I didn’t want to let myself down if I didn’t reach my full potential, which ultimately is the same thing as failing. I was scared of regretting words I can’t take back once they’re out, or realizing that I could have done better after the fact. I am constantly thinking about how I can be better, it’s who I am now. And I could give that thanks to other people, or unfortunate circumstances; but I believe that ultimately, we choose who we want to be. Yes, our hearts can being pretty hard wired from the beginning, but that doesn’t stop us from having the ability to grow beyond what we think we know at the time. Only you stop can stop yourself from trying. And in a world that is constantly doing everything in its power break you, even with all the best intentions, you just have to decide that you’re not going to let it. So this is my starting point, my first post. As of right now I’m settling fine with me, but I’m sure in a day or maybe even an hour or so that might change, but that’s okay. Because I started. It can only keep improving and growing from here. Some things aren’t as complicated as we want to make thing. Sometimes, all you have to do is finally show up.