Valentine’s Day 2016

Rewinding back to a week ago today. You could say that I wasn’t entirely shocked that I would end up spending this day alone, again. For the fifth year in a row to be exact. But who’s counting? There was a moment where I thought things may have been different this time, but per the usual, that moment never lasts longer than the impending holiday I was ignorantly fantasizing about. I mean, I haven’t heard from him since Christmas, where he blew me off and never even gave me the supposed present he said got for me, despite the fact that I had already given him his. So why would I think he’d come around a month and some change later with any kind of gesture for another holiday? One focused on love and romance, no less. But somehow my mind is convinced that dreaming about the possibility of something amazing happening is a lot better than focusing on how little chance there is of it actually happening. Maybe it’s self sabotaging, but I think if I gave up all hope entirely, the result of that would be much more lethal. Regardless, the day wasn’t as horrible as it could have been. I actually got up at a decent hour, ran some errands, and then went to a tanning salon. The one close to where I live was having a promotion for a free week of tanning and I figured, “seven days won’t give me skin cancer”, so why not?! At least I’ll get some color and look a little less like Casper the Ghost. However, I probably should have put on some actual sunscreen instead of just the bronzing lotion they gave me because well, let’s just say I was looking pretty lobster-like by the time the session ended. Luckily that all went down the next day, minus my chest area and the back of my legs. I did end up waiting two days before going back to the salon, just to be safe. But anyway, I also ate the candy my mo7e6fac79bfb28286528e7e1f7ebc50dbm gave me. She always leaves something for my sister and I on holidays. For this one, it was a heart-shaped box of chocolates, a card, and heart-shaped balloon. I got some cleaning done as well. Overall, it was a decent day. Though now that I’ve replenished all those details, I can’t help but notice that I described what may be a decent day for any other day of the year… but not Valentine’s Day. Feeling a bit morbid right about now. BUT like I said, what can you do, right? It’s out of my control, just as plenty of other things are as well. Among which are a few that I just can’t seem to understand. Such as how easily people can treat other people as though they’re dispensable to them, like they mean nothing in the world… even when they mean everything. I opted not to go out on this day, despite the invitations I received. But the thing is, I’m not him. I can’t just distract myself with another person, friend or more. I could, but in all honesty the only reason I would be doing that would be for the purpose of making him jealous. It wouldn’t be for me. And really, that makes it rather pointless. Not to mention slightly pathetic. That’s why I stay home for the most part. I’ll go out and have a good time here and there sure, but I just can’t fool myself. I know too well that it mostly serves as a distraction from what is missing, or just a way of proving something to someone else. He on the other hand, clearly had no problem inviting someone to accompany him out that night. A “friend”, supposedly. But the deja vu was more than unsettling, and so was the feeling in my chest that lasted the rest of the night after discovering this fact via social media. I guess I should be thankful that most girls can’t help but document their every move, or else some things would remain hidden. That senseless dreaming I mentioned earlier, it really can be a blessing and a curse at times. I didn’t believe any of the romantic-prince-charming scenarios I pictured him doing would actually happen, but it’s just amazing how that realization wasn’t enough… it never is. Another Valentine’s Day  spent alone, and a front row seat to him spending it with someone else. I could have done the same, but I’m not mad that I decided not to. Like I said, it wouldn’t have proven anything .If the time comes where I have to accept that me and him are never going to happen, I’ll be ready to move on when I’m ready to. And I won’t be doing it out of spite, jealousy, or desperation. It will be for me. I only wish I could say with full confidence that I truly believe that will happen, but I guess we all face doubt that runs this deep at least once in our lives. Feeling that strongly for someone after all this time, sometimes it full heartedly makes me believe that those feelings will never truly go away. You may be able to hide them, or even forget about them for a while… even years. But somehow, the moment you see that person again, something happens. Something overwhelmingly familiar. Something consuming. There are few things that hold such power over us in this world, where we find ourselves losing our own self control and logic. And those are the most impossible things to leave behind… even when we really should. And that is because despite all the things it may not have been, the one thing it was, was real.