My trampoline arrived and has finally been assembled. I enjoy the jumping of course, but in all honestly, I enjoy using it as my “sitting and thinking” spot even more. I know it’s probably a given to suggest that the human body is happier and even functions better out in nature, versus inside a building. The oxygen levels are a huge factor alone, if you want to look at it from a scientific standpoint. Or you could look at it as a place were psychological and spiritual freedom resides. I feel more powerful outside than I do inside, sometimes as though I can do the impossible or control the uncontrollable. I feel ten times more positive and alive outside, whereas inside I experience the negative and become reacquainted with symptoms of depression… sometimes feeling closed in and even trapped. That’s why I’ve been doing myself a favor by making myself go outside and stay outside more often, with consistent increases in lengths of time. Our addictions this generation falls slave to attempt to draw me back in, but I fight them off as much as I can. Because I don’t need to be sitting at my computer or watching the television. I also don’t need to lie in bed and sleep all day solely because I’m relying on my unconscious world to avoid being a part of this one. These actions won’t amount to anything beneficial for me, and it’s interesting how they all have one thing in common – where they’re being performed. We weren’t meant to have the limitations that the inside sets on our bodies and minds, we just weren’t.
I’ve been in a weird, dreamy mood all day. The kind of consciousness that feels somewhat fake, or like it’s someone else’s. I had a good cry after watching Grey’s Anatomy earlier, the show that single handedly made me aware of a thousand new perspectives and truths that sting, but are no less absolute. I’ve watched all the seasons, so I’m basically just watching them over again. It’s funny how he was so resistant to watching anything I suggested, unknowingly turning down a chance to see how deeply I felt for him, only scripted by someone else. The characters and their emotions aren’t just theirs, they’re ours too. That’s why people can’t get enough of these types of shows; they force us to feel even when we thought that was the last thing we wanted to do. I gave him another speech, without him actually being around to hear it. I watched my eyes sparkling ever so sad and lovely from the water lying on their surface, and listened to the desperation in my voice as I continued speaking to a mirror that would only reflect what I was projecting. In a way, it’s actually somewhat relieving. Sometimes you need to see yourself, really see yourself. And witness the sincerity in your soul, even if nobody else can. He exists in every line and epic moment I watch in these shows, unknowingly, as he continues to merely exist in a life standing still. And every time I exhaust myself trying to push it forward for him, he pushes back even harder. I like my trampoline, even it if took me twenty five years of living to finally get one. I don’t believe in age limits for the most part, especially if whatever it is you’re restricting yourself from, is something that has given you joy in the past. In my opinion, we need as many of those things back in our lives as we can get while we still can. I do enjoy this dream-like state, I try to savor it as it comes… because there’s just so much to discover in it. And in yourself.